The Hindus believe that when you die, you return to life in a different form. Reincarnationists believe that whatever lessons we did not learn in our past life we will be doomed to repeat in the next. (Please forgive me, or correct me if I have any of these beliefs confused!) I am here to tell you, they are both right!
I have not been blogging this past 2 years. I have been incredibly busy at work, and decided that it was either blog, or knit, when I had free time. (Guess which one won!) I attempted to juggle my crazy schedule to include work (insane number of hours), my family (husband and youngest child, 2 grown children and 2 grandchildren) and occasionally friends (and I do mean occasionally!). Add to that, the basic needs of a house, car, etc., and you have little or no free time left. I thought that I was going along swimmingly. Everything was getting done (barely). I was well (well, I wasn't sick). I was crabby and cranky and generally unpleasant to almost everyone in the house (except maybe the dogs). I felt pressured, unappreciated, overworked, unloved and all of those awful emotions that one feels when one is not taking care of oneself.
Then my husband died.
He went to work, just like every other day. I went to work, just like every other day. I came home.
A massive myocardial infarction felled him at work. They resuscitated him for over an hour, from the minute he dropped, and never got him back. It was the way we all want to go...relatively painless, no suffering, and suddenly. No protracted illness. No astounding medical intervention. Just....gone.
AND I STOPPED.
Quite literally, stopped.
My friends (who knew I had so many?) and children took over. I sat, made phone calls, sat, paid bills, sat, talked to everyone, sat, ate when they told me to, sat, and slept. After a week, I went back to work. I did everything that was required of me. Then I sat. I can't say I thought much. I can't even say that I grieved, although I guess that is what I was doing. After the initial shock, I barely cried! I simply sat.
I didn't knit. I didn't play. I didn't sing.
Thanksgiving came. My grandchildren were here, and I was in "grandma" mode. But inside, I sat.
Christmas came. Gifts were exchanged. Children were home. Cooking occurred. And inside, I sat.
Work, work. Sit, sit. Do all of the things that one HAS to do. Then sit.
New Years came....I was still sitting.
I took a vacation week in January, to deal with business that had to be taken care of in the hours that I would be at work.
And I was reincarnated.
I woke up one morning and realized that I was no longer the person I had been.
I was no longer married.
I was a single parent.
I had no one to rely upon except myself!!!!!!!!!!
I had to reinvent my life!
Maybe some of you have been through this, and will nod your heads. Maybe some of you will look on this in your time of loss and gain some perspective. Maybe you will all shake your heads and think "Of course, you goof! Whatever are you on about, blogging about this?"
I took stock of what I had.
I have a great job, at which I work way too many hours. I have a 14 year old daughter that I must care for and educate. I have a lovely home that requires care and maintenance. I have grown children that still rely on their mom for moral support. I quickly realized that all of these things quickly took up every spare minute of time that I have, or ever will have! Which leaves me....nothing.
What could I change?
Selling the 14 year old is out (although I did honestly think about it for a minute and a half one particularly bad day)! And, I still must educate her. Which means that the job must continue. BUT, I don't have to work quite as much.
I cut down on some hours at work.
I quickly realized that I cannot take care of this house without help. So I hired a cleaning lady and gardener (husband and wife, actually)! A quick "Come to Jesus" meeting with the kid, replete with tears and threats has the 14-year-old doing things that she absolutely would've refused to do 6 months ago (like pick up after herself)! The "Responsibilities and Privileges" speech was brought out, dusted off and updated, and put into play. The others will have to do with mom listening and offering advice, without her jumping in to help. They're grown, they can take care of themselves!
Now, I get to work on me.
No more sitting.
When I am home, I may sit and rest, but I no longer just sit! I am determined to keep busy with things that I enjoy, that renew my self and spirit! It may be a good movie, or a book, or an outing or simply a new knit. Whatever it is, I want it to be positive, proactive not reactive, and uplifting!
I realized how much I missed this blog. I missed writing! The idea of writing what I am doing, or feeling, or thinking is even more important to me now that I no longer have my "sounding board" . I may be widowed. I may have reincarnated. I may be old, but I still have a brain, hopes, aspirations and goals. And I need to say them! It is not what we think, but what we express that makes us real to ourselves and to others!
And maybe, if someone else is in need of reincarnation, whether through death, divorce or simply inclination, they will read my words and take hope.